is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
