sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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