gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I think your dad took our porno
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
