my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
