i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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