she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
