I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
