you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
