You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
