barbara walters just said penis...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
