This dress was meant to end up on your floor
we made out on top of his cat.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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