sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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