She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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