You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
