So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
