No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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