So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
