I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
