Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
