Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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