Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
