Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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