I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
