Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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