the condom got lost in my hair
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
he shaved USA in his pubs
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
