I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
