Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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