I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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