John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
do herpes really smell.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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