Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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