This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
