The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
