So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Randomize
