I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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