No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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