i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I AM VODKA MAN
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
