Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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