Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Terrible idea I love it
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
