I was born with a shot glass in my hand
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
