Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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