I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
