Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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