I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
