Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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