Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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