Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
