it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
