2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
