he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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