Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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