Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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