when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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