He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
