I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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