Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Randomize
