There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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