you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
